Bible Study Day 6

Dear J.C.,

It has been a while. Again. To follow he ACTS way of prayer, I want to start out by adoring you. I don't know how you were able to resist temptation so many times, in so many different cases. I know that you are God and was sent down to earth to be an example for us humans. But still, what you did - sacrifice yourself for the common good - was amazing. I adore you, though I feel so ashamed - ashamed by the way I have been acting for the past year. I have not been walking in your light and it is really starting to show! Dear Lord, what do you want me to do? I just feel so lost all the time.

Stay away from Gossip Girl and any other programming that will lead you to turn away from me. Spend your days reading my word, praying, and exercising. I brought you home for a reason and that reason is to reignite that fire I once lit in you three years ago, when you were much weaker than you are now. Now that you are stronger, you have abandoned me. You have gone astray from your roots. Why? Because they were not as firm as you thought they were. You need to strengthen these roots - these ties that you have with me. 

God, J.C., why can I no longer feel your spirit? I crave that sense of oneness that I am capable of having with you.

That sense of oneness is always there for you to have, as long as your heart remains pure, Pray continuously for renewal. Pray for a friend to keep you accountable. Pray that you can act as a "Good Samaritan" and stop seeing difference as a sign for you to disconnect, but an occasion for you to connect. Despite all of these superficial differences - race, class, socioeconomic status - people are one and the same. They were all created in the image of God. 

Design your prayer to make it a habit, standard for all prayers.

1st. Pray that I will quiet your mind and my heart, block all the earthly distractions. 
2nd Remind yourself of how Good I have been to you. (Thanksgiving.) Praise for the positive. 
3rd Pray for delivery from all the negative emotions (anxiety, worry, sadness, depression, anything on your mind) you have been experiencing. 
4th  Confess any sins that have been keeping you from reaping the glory of my kingdom.
5th Pray for yourself and other people.

Can't imagine my life without Him

Could it be that there is a link between my acting out on lust and my lack of sleep? I can't remember the last time I had a good night's sleep without taking a pill. I hope and pray that God purifies my mind. My flesh is taking control of me, blocking the spirit from filling me with hope and renewal. What can I do to take back control? You can leave your computer at home. 300 miles a way. When do I most feel like acting out on lust?

God, what do you want me to do?

Before coming to Brazil, I was uninformed. I thought I was going to love this place and feel burdened to come back - hopefully as a Princeton in Latin America fellow, but all I feel now is the desire to go back to the States. Should I go to Post-bacc right away? I certainly have enough "experience" to qualify. If I can survive the next 6 weeks in Salvador and 4 weeks in Rio, I would have spent almost 9 months abroad! Most people can't even say that! I think my desire to go back to France was only to relive those amazing 4 months - which were only so amazing because of the people I met. I don't know. There are some places you can only "live" for a few weeks before it becomes unpleasant. Staying in this mosquito-infested apartment is driving me crazy. I can hardly sleep at night! If there were more places like Frio Gostoso that I could hang out in, I would be fine. I am just not a nature-person. I like fabricated nature, i.e., the park in the middle of the city. I love Paris nature. Princeton nature, even.  Another reason I want to go back. But I won't be as financially stable. Cuando el amor llega así, esta manera, uno no se da en cuenta. Goucher College. One recommendation letter. Applications being read in September. Meaning I would have this summer to fill out post-bacc applications. This whole thing sounds a little daunting, but reminds me of senior year of college. I fill out apps, I get organized, I gather my letters of recommendation. If I am organized, I can actually DO this. IF I am organized, meaning I have to decide like NOW if I want this badly enough NOW to even TRY. Like I said, it is really daunting to decide now. To decide who I should ask for recommendation letters. Is it too early? Part of me just wants to begin my life already. I've been to so many places but my personality has been the same everywhere. When will I learn to love and accept myself for who I am and not who people expect me to be? I am reserved, quiet but turn on a beat, put me on stage and I can come alive! When will I learn to stop overeating, start taking care of myself FOR REAL? When will I learn to have more confidence in myself? I don't have to be "more open" for someone I don't feel comfortable with. The reason I felt weird around those two guys - besides the fact that they were total CREEPS - was their exigency, demanding that I be more "open." Whatever, I will do this research project and I will do it well -- WITH OR WITHOUT their help! I don't know about the Post-bacc. It just doesn't feel right right now. Maybe I am too quick to judge? I literally am basing my life decisions on two isolated incidents that happened only because I was stupid enough to fall for those guys charms. And heck, I was more curious than anything else! First of all, maybe I should leave my current residence? And move into a student residence, like the one Sec lives in. I feel unusually comfortable here. Dora and her husband Jorge are pretty nice and the dog is starting to grow on me. But I would feel more comfortable living on Avenida de Setembro. Permanently? I don't know. I realized now how my research project should have begin and ended with the university here.

OK, so I just found an interesting organization in the Dominican Republic that PiLA may or may not be working with. God, I pray that I really step it up my next 10 weeks here. I pray that I continue to learn about the issues so that I can know how to help. Lord, I truly and sincerely offer this research project to you. I offer my post-bacc plans to you because without you, I am nothing.

First Folklorico Dorm Party...

...was O.K. It was a little awkward at first, I can't lie because it was apparent that although I know all of the folklorico peeps, I am not really in their "network." Nobody except for a few really knew where I was and not one of them sent me a message about while I was gone. It's like life is on campus and some people that you are particularly close to - like friends from high school, parents, siblings, kissing cousins - are let in the network. Acquaintances are not really part of that circle. It was weird being one of the older members of the group. But hey, it's my time, I've changed and I like being me now.

A little scared about 2D but not quite

I know that I can DO it. This is a "leadership" role that mostly consists of busy-work and being tedious, detail-oriented. Can I not do that? I hope so! Much of the communication I will use will be written and once I'm more acquainted with 2D, hopefully, I'll SPEAK. I'll SPEAK. I'll SPEAK. Evan is so nerdtastic right now. When I found out that he was a math major, everything started to make sense. He really does seem like a math major...that or philosophy or physics. Anyways, I hope and pray that I can do this. I don't know what possessed me to sign up for it. with no experience and no "acquired 2D knowledge." But I think it's a good way to get involved more with 2D. I really want this group to be like "my family." OK, that is too far of a stretch. What I mean to say, I just want to get more involved, make some friends. Oh Princeton. Nerdastic but fun. Je ne sais pas. I just hope that God would really help with this, because I don't know what I am doing and I'm afraid that I will be way over my head.

Mon mari

Je prie que mon mari soit comme Jesus, quelqu'un qui donne ses talents et ses temps pour la bien-etre des autres. Je veux un mari qui soit incroyable, sensible, sympathique, reflectif, pas trop bavarde. Je veux quelqu'un qui m'ecoutera toujours, meme quand je du mal a m'exprimer. Je prie que mon mari et moi, nous parlons les memes langues. Je veux quelqu'un plus agé que moi, qui a deja un bon travail avec une tres bonne salaire. Je sais qu'il est la et que bientot, nous serons ensemble. "maintenant que nous sommes ensemble, ca va mieux" --- comme disait Wajdi Mouawad dans Incendies. Ca va mieux.

Walking In The Spirit: How I just uncomplicated the future of my sexuality

"The individual who is “in Christ Jesus” does not walk after the flesh, but after and in step with the Holy Spirit. He walks according to the guidance of the Spirit. To be “filled with the Spirit” is to be under the control of the Spirit."

When I am walking in the Spirit, that internal voice that leads me to good things, I am easily able to make decisions that are right for me. But when I am not.....my ability to discern is not so good. I mean, the internal guidance that lead me to Andrea's doorstep lead me there for a reason - in order to figure all of this stuff out. And returning back there, even though I see it as a "mistake," was the best decision for me. I prayed about it in the morning, prayed that he would not be there. And mentally, he was not there. I got to see the real him - or a perverse aspect of it. And I thank God for that because that broke off any emotional ties I had to him.

Tonight, I have come to the conclusion that I cannot have a sexual relationship. I don't want sex to be a part of my relationship until I am absolutely certain that this guy will stick around for the long-hall, and in order to do that, I have to be able to scrutinize. Right after I hooked up with Andrea, I felt free because at that moment, I had not started to romanticize him. I saw the opportunity for what it was - an opportunity to experience sex the way that it should be - consensual. And it was amazing. But I couldn't do it again, right? Wrong. After talking about it with Noni and Amy, I started romanticizing Andrea, choosing to ignore his flaws - the fact that he is learning Japanese when he doesn't speak English well, claimed to have had "not enough contact" with English, even though he is around English-speaking people ALL the time, the fact that he had an uneducated view of Africa, and he was definitely rude to me! While walking in the flesh, entrainé par the "heat of the moment," I romanticized him. Which was what made me go back. Plus, I was half-convincing myself that I wanted to CHANGE him. That is absolutely dangerous. I wanted to bring Christ into his godless life. That was dangerous.

The same way that I romanticized Andrea was the same way I romanticized guys in middle school and high school after they do simple things like just LOOKING at me. Or asking me for my number (Sagar) or emailing insightful tidbits (Cuong Nguyen). And then in college, that same thing happened with Reggie and Julian Banks. Sophomore year I was wiser about my friendships with guys - to the extent that I kind of avoided them. I felt uncomfortable with my friends who had boyfriends. I felt uncomfortable with the PFA guys I hung out with during Intersession because I was scared that I would have the same histoire - getting crushed, feeling lousy about it. So basically, focusing on my physical feelings for a guy - and acting on them - doesn't lead to anything good.

On the other side of the spectrum, there's the hook-up culture. I found out through Walid that I cannot do that either. I fought with my flesh - OK it was not that much of a fight at first but later on, I triumphed. But what would have happened if I had done it? Yet another thing to lead me to the path of sexual addiction. I would have enjoyed it...too much. And would have romanticized him, mixing my fleshly desires with my deeper desires for emotional connection. That is it. And en outre, it is not that guys can just have sex without any emotional ties, otherwise they would not get into relationships. It's that their desires for emotional connection is too connected to their desires for physical pleasure, to the point that often times, those two are indistinguishable. And for many women, it is the complete opposite - their desires for emotional connection is not connected enough to their desires for physical pleasure. It is a survival instinct. Women naturally seek the caring, loving guy who will stick around - most of the time...but when they are ovulating, and are the most fertile, they fantasize about the "bad boy," the manly-man who would do anything to get the girl, the car, the money, etc. And so much emphasis is placed on the emotional aspect of a relationship. Like I read in a French book about the influence of pornography on adolescents, specifically, he talked about how males/females should develop: males should turn their focus away from the genitals and to their emotions and females should go from the emotional to the genitals...That was a terrible translation and I have no idea what book that came from and probably will never no until I go back to the Bibliotheque de Courcelles, i.e., if it is still there at the time. But, who cares? The book was just a series of interviews with some 16-17 year olds who had "wrong" views about sex. Though the author did have a point - that there should be more of a balance. And I think that after reading it, I was subconsciously influenced by his point of view. I mean, it is liberating to go from focusing on making an emotional connection with someone who is not ready for that kind of connection to making a physical connection with yourself, i.e., understanding your physical desires, needs, and learning to meet them without bringing someone else into the picture. That is what I also got so far from reading both Our Bodies, Ourselves and Women's Bodies, Women's Wisdom.

Anyways, I do not see myself "hooking up" with anyone anytime soon. Nor do I see myself in a sexual relationship. In fact, I don't see myself doing that anymore. It is just not me. I've learned so much when I was in France, I would hate to see it all go to waste. Gosh, I am sleepy. It is midnight, I'm starving...well kind of. Sex should be one of many aspects of a relationship that leads to unity between the two partners. I mean, there are other things like sharing the same culture, values, religion, hobbies, passions, dreams, goals that can also lead to unity. And that is what most matters. Unity.