"The individual who is “in Christ Jesus” does not walk after the flesh, but after and in step with the Holy Spirit. He walks according to the guidance of the Spirit. To be “filled with the Spirit” is to be under the control of the Spirit."
When I am walking in the Spirit, that internal voice that leads me to good things, I am easily able to make decisions that are right for me. But when I am not.....my ability to discern is not so good. I mean, the internal guidance that lead me to Andrea's doorstep lead me there for a reason - in order to figure all of this stuff out. And returning back there, even though I see it as a "mistake," was the best decision for me. I prayed about it in the morning, prayed that he would not be there. And mentally, he was not there. I got to see the real him - or a perverse aspect of it. And I thank God for that because that broke off any emotional ties I had to him.
Tonight, I have come to the conclusion that I cannot have a sexual relationship. I don't want sex to be a part of my relationship until I am absolutely certain that this guy will stick around for the long-hall, and in order to do that, I have to be able to scrutinize. Right after I hooked up with Andrea, I felt free because at that moment, I had not started to romanticize him. I saw the opportunity for what it was - an opportunity to experience sex the way that it should be - consensual. And it was amazing. But I couldn't do it again, right? Wrong. After talking about it with Noni and Amy, I started romanticizing Andrea, choosing to ignore his flaws - the fact that he is learning Japanese when he doesn't speak English well, claimed to have had "not enough contact" with English, even though he is around English-speaking people ALL the time, the fact that he had an uneducated view of Africa, and he was definitely rude to me! While walking in the flesh, entrainé par the "heat of the moment," I romanticized him. Which was what made me go back. Plus, I was half-convincing myself that I wanted to CHANGE him. That is absolutely dangerous. I wanted to bring Christ into his godless life. That was dangerous.
The same way that I romanticized Andrea was the same way I romanticized guys in middle school and high school after they do simple things like just LOOKING at me. Or asking me for my number (Sagar) or emailing insightful tidbits (Cuong Nguyen). And then in college, that same thing happened with Reggie and Julian Banks. Sophomore year I was wiser about my friendships with guys - to the extent that I kind of avoided them. I felt uncomfortable with my friends who had boyfriends. I felt uncomfortable with the PFA guys I hung out with during Intersession because I was scared that I would have the same histoire - getting crushed, feeling lousy about it. So basically, focusing on my physical feelings for a guy - and acting on them - doesn't lead to anything good.
On the other side of the spectrum, there's the hook-up culture. I found out through Walid that I cannot do that either. I fought with my flesh - OK it was not that much of a fight at first but later on, I triumphed. But what would have happened if I had done it? Yet another thing to lead me to the path of sexual addiction. I would have enjoyed it...too much. And would have romanticized him, mixing my fleshly desires with my deeper desires for emotional connection. That is it. And en outre, it is not that guys can just have sex without any emotional ties, otherwise they would not get into relationships. It's that their desires for emotional connection is too connected to their desires for physical pleasure, to the point that often times, those two are indistinguishable. And for many women, it is the complete opposite - their desires for emotional connection is not connected enough to their desires for physical pleasure. It is a survival instinct. Women naturally seek the caring, loving guy who will stick around - most of the time...but when they are ovulating, and are the most fertile, they fantasize about the "bad boy," the manly-man who would do anything to get the girl, the car, the money, etc. And so much emphasis is placed on the emotional aspect of a relationship. Like I read in a French book about the influence of pornography on adolescents, specifically, he talked about how males/females should develop: males should turn their focus away from the genitals and to their emotions and females should go from the emotional to the genitals...That was a terrible translation and I have no idea what book that came from and probably will never no until I go back to the Bibliotheque de Courcelles, i.e., if it is still there at the time. But, who cares? The book was just a series of interviews with some 16-17 year olds who had "wrong" views about sex. Though the author did have a point - that there should be more of a balance. And I think that after reading it, I was subconsciously influenced by his point of view. I mean, it is liberating to go from focusing on making an emotional connection with someone who is not ready for that kind of connection to making a physical connection with yourself, i.e., understanding your physical desires, needs, and learning to meet them without bringing someone else into the picture. That is what I also got so far from reading both Our Bodies, Ourselves and Women's Bodies, Women's Wisdom.
Anyways, I do not see myself "hooking up" with anyone anytime soon. Nor do I see myself in a sexual relationship. In fact, I don't see myself doing that anymore. It is just not me. I've learned so much when I was in France, I would hate to see it all go to waste. Gosh, I am sleepy. It is midnight, I'm starving...well kind of. Sex should be one of many aspects of a relationship that leads to unity between the two partners. I mean, there are other things like sharing the same culture, values, religion, hobbies, passions, dreams, goals that can also lead to unity. And that is what most matters. Unity.
No comments:
Post a Comment