Before coming to Brazil, I was uninformed. I thought I was going to love this place and feel burdened to come back - hopefully as a Princeton in Latin America fellow, but all I feel now is the desire to go back to the States. Should I go to Post-bacc right away? I certainly have enough "experience" to qualify. If I can survive the next 6 weeks in Salvador and 4 weeks in Rio, I would have spent almost 9 months abroad! Most people can't even say that! I think my desire to go back to France was only to relive those amazing 4 months - which were only so amazing because of the people I met. I don't know. There are some places you can only "live" for a few weeks before it becomes unpleasant. Staying in this mosquito-infested apartment is driving me crazy. I can hardly sleep at night! If there were more places like Frio Gostoso that I could hang out in, I would be fine. I am just not a nature-person. I like fabricated nature, i.e., the park in the middle of the city. I love Paris nature. Princeton nature, even. Another reason I want to go back. But I won't be as financially stable. Cuando el amor llega asÃ, esta manera, uno no se da en cuenta. Goucher College. One recommendation letter. Applications being read in September. Meaning I would have this summer to fill out post-bacc applications. This whole thing sounds a little daunting, but reminds me of senior year of college. I fill out apps, I get organized, I gather my letters of recommendation. If I am organized, I can actually DO this. IF I am organized, meaning I have to decide like NOW if I want this badly enough NOW to even TRY. Like I said, it is really daunting to decide now. To decide who I should ask for recommendation letters. Is it too early? Part of me just wants to begin my life already. I've been to so many places but my personality has been the same everywhere. When will I learn to love and accept myself for who I am and not who people expect me to be? I am reserved, quiet but turn on a beat, put me on stage and I can come alive! When will I learn to stop overeating, start taking care of myself FOR REAL? When will I learn to have more confidence in myself? I don't have to be "more open" for someone I don't feel comfortable with. The reason I felt weird around those two guys - besides the fact that they were total CREEPS - was their exigency, demanding that I be more "open." Whatever, I will do this research project and I will do it well -- WITH OR WITHOUT their help! I don't know about the Post-bacc. It just doesn't feel right right now. Maybe I am too quick to judge? I literally am basing my life decisions on two isolated incidents that happened only because I was stupid enough to fall for those guys charms. And heck, I was more curious than anything else! First of all, maybe I should leave my current residence? And move into a student residence, like the one Sec lives in. I feel unusually comfortable here. Dora and her husband Jorge are pretty nice and the dog is starting to grow on me. But I would feel more comfortable living on Avenida de Setembro. Permanently? I don't know. I realized now how my research project should have begin and ended with the university here.
OK, so I just found an interesting organization in the Dominican Republic that PiLA may or may not be working with. God, I pray that I really step it up my next 10 weeks here. I pray that I continue to learn about the issues so that I can know how to help. Lord, I truly and sincerely offer this research project to you. I offer my post-bacc plans to you because without you, I am nothing.
